The fall of Meredith Grey
by TheatreKidAtHeart
Summary: First Grey's fanfic. When Meredith goes missing in the middle of a shift panic sets in. Can she hold herself together after she's found? Trauma can ruin the best of us. TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions self harm, suicide and rape.
1. Chapter 1

A very tired Meredith Grey was on call. Zola, Bailey and Ellis were with Maggie and Amelia. Her beautiful blonde hair was scrapped into a ponytail. Her dark blue scrubs felt soft against her skin. She made her usual pleasantries in the ER with April and Owen; made sure she wasn't needed for anything and took herself to an on-call room. Maybe she could get at least an hour's sleep before someone needed her. She collapsed on the bed and fell into a light sleep.

Two hours passed

Meredith was in big trouble. The chief of surgery had been paging her for an hour and a half but she had not answered. Miranda was not the slightest bit happy. April had paged her at 3am for an emergency that Meredith should have handled. Begrudgingly, Miranda took the sweet little girl into surgery for an appendectomy. When she found Meredith Grey there was going to be hell.

April continued to page Meredith. Where was she, it wasn't like her to sleep through pages. The slightest noise woke her. She had children and that generally means you sleep lightly. It didn't make sense. Meredith always answered. April asked Owen to cover and searched the on-call rooms. There was 17 in the hospital, plus the attending's lounge. Meredith wasn't in any of them.

She began to get worried. Maybe Meredith had gone home? Or to the toilet? Or maybe she's gone for a drive? Panic set in. The young redhead went to find Owen. 'Owen, have you seen Meredith?' April asked. Owen shook his head. 'She's missing and the chief is so pissed. She'd never leave if she was on call. I starting to get extremely worried. 'Can you hold the fort if I go and ring Amelia?' Owen nodded in response and April headed towards the staff room. Amelia hadn't heard from her and neither had anybody else.

Meredith was missing. As a last resort, she rang Cristina. Cristina said that she had a missed call from Meredith but she hadn't had chance to call her back as she'd been in surgery all night. 'Should I be worried?' Cristina asked. 'I really don't know. Did she ever walk out in the middle of a shift when you worked here?' 'No, not even when she had McDreamy problems' Cristina replied. 'Oh. I'll ring you back if I find her okay?' April muttered. Cristina hung up.

Miranda finally got out of surgery and she went in search of Meredith. There was only one place April wouldn't have checked. The vent room. Cristina and Owen used to go there together. Then Meredith and Cristina. Bailey headed up there and unlocked the door. There was a woman sat on the floor, curled in a corner. It was Meredith but it didn't look like the Meredith she knew.


	2. Chapter 2

She had her dark blue scrub top on but no bottoms. She was covered in blood, bruises and had a big cut above her right eye. She was crying. Meredith Grey was sobbing. Miranda closed the door behind her and walked towards Meredith. 'Meredith, It's Dr Bailey. It's Miranda, Miranda.' She spoke softly so she didn't scare her. Miranda wrapped her arms around Meredith. She fell into the hug and sobbed. 'Mer, what happened?' Bailey asked. Meredith didn't answer, she just started to scream. It was like the drowning incident or when she disappeared for months. It was like that all over again. Grey was broken again; just when she had been fixed.

Bailey paged April and twenty minutes later she arrived. 'April, you need to go to the ER and get me a gown, gauze, saline, a suture kit and a rape kit. Don't ask me any questions and do not tell anybody where we will be. On call room third floor. Thank you.' Bailey ordered. April nodded and left. 'Meredith, we are going to go in the on-call room and I'm going to look after you alright?' Miranda said stroking her hair. Meredith stood up but didn't say a word. Bailey took her hand to steady her, then took off her white doctor's coat to maintain her dignity. Meredith was still sobbing uncontrollably.

After a slow walk to the on-call room, Meredith collapsed on the bed. She started shaking, sweating and screaming at the top of her lungs. Miranda took a deep breath and sat next to Meredith, trying to adapt the method Dr Dickson liked when she felt upset. Intense pressure calms down the nervous system. She stopped screaming and just sobbed and sobbed. Bailey did too.

April came in with the medical supplied Miranda had asked for. She put them on the bunkbeds and took a seat next to them. It was a heart-breaking scene that lay before her. A well-respected surgeon, in a physical and emotional mess and the chief of surgery trying but failing to console her. April grabbed gauze and saline, trying to clean Meredith's head wound and stitched it closed.

After all the cuts, had been looked after, April put Meredith's hair up, so it was out of the way. Miranda's pager went off several times as Meredith calmed down. 'Is there anything that you want Mer?' Bailey asked gently. Meredith didn't respond. It was like she didn't hear. 'Ok well I have to go and get Tuck but April. April is going to sit here with you. She is going to sit here with you until I get Tuck to day Care alright. She is, she is going to sit right here and look after you.' Bailey said as she was leaving.

Meredith recoiled onto the bed. April gave her a fresh set of scrubs and Meredith changed. She threw her dirty clothes across the room. April talked non-stop and she carried on talking until Meredith Put her hand up in her face. April shut up instantly. 'Get me my phone,' Meredith muttered. 'Is it in your locker?' she asked and Meredith nodded. April went to get the phone as Meredith requested but Meredith didn't stay put.

She walked down the corridor to the lift. She pushed the button that said roof and let the doors close behind her. The lift ride felt longer now that she had a goal in mind. Eventually the ping of the elevator sounded and the doors opened. Meredith walked over to the ledge and sat down. The rain splashed across her face but it didn't bother her.


	3. Chapter 3

'This is my chance. Derek is gone. My mother. My mother didn't care. She thought I was ordinary. My life is a mess. I'm dirty and I feel like nothing is going to be the same again. I would be scared. I would be but I'm not because Derek is gone and I was just raped and nothing is the same. It's like when I was in that water and I tried to fight. I tried to fight but then I stopped fighting because I thought what's the point. What's the point in anything? The carousel never stops turning.' She thought.

Just as Meredith stood up to jump, Miranda shouted her name. 'Meredith please listen to me. It's Dr Bailey. Don't you move. It's okay it's just me. I'm not going to hurt you. It's only me. I won't let you do this. You were my intern, my baby and I raised you to become a great doctor. Come down. Talk to me. Please talk to me. I'm here. I got you okay I've got you.' Miranda said walking over to Meredith and finally embracing her from behind, pulling her off the ledge. At first Meredith fought then she gave up fighting Bailey. 'I can't do this Bailey. I need Derek. I need Cristina. I can't…I can't' She sobbed. 'Come inside, come on. I got you.' Miranda consoled.

They got into the lift and sat in the attending's lounge. Miranda locked the door so nobody could get in. 'Meredith, do you want to tell me what got you into this state? I thought you'd put this behind you? Please let me in so I can help you.' She said seeming genuinely concerned. 'Bailey, I want to tell you, I do but I don't know what to say right now. I just know I need a bath and I need to sleep.' Meredith replied. 'You know that I can't let you do that until I do a rape kit Mer.' Bailey protested. 'Ok, but you can't do it. Get Robbins. Nobody but Arizona Robbins.' Meredith said firmly. 'I'll page her now.' Was the reply. 'Will you tell her and April to keep it to themselves. You know how gossip travels in this place.' Meredith grumbled. Bailey nodded.

An hour later, Arizona walked into the Attending's lounge and gasped at the sight of Meredith. 'What happened? Are you okay? Seriously Meredith. What the hell happened to you?' Arizona asked slightly flustered. 'Dr Robbins, I need you to stop asking questions.' Bailey said quickly. 'What I need you to do is perform a rape kit on Dr Grey. Dr Grey requested that you do this. I will be outside.' She finished handing the kit to Arizona.

The rape kit took ages. Arizona documented every bruise and every cut, the scrapings under Meredith's finger nails. She took photographs of the wounds and bruises. The clear finger marks on her thighs and shoulders. Meredith sat in silence and didn't say a word. Arizona found this unnerving. Arizona took Meredith's blood and finally called Bailey back in. 'Morning after pill. I need the morning after pill' Meredith muttered. 'You want the morning after pill?' Arizona said curiously. 'Yes, please I have three beautiful babies and I can't. I can't.' She explained. Bailey left to get it.

'Mer, do you want to tell me anything?' The paediatric surgeon asked. 'Thinking about it makes me feel sick. It's like I'm drowning.' She replied. 'I get that. Nothing is going to feel the same for a while. But let me tell you. It will get easier.' Arizona tried her best to reassure her. 'Seriously? Seriously are you going to pull that crap on me? I'm a doctor, a frigging doctor and you're a baby doctor. You should know better that to say this crap about how life gets better and I should just wait for it to happen.' Meredith ranted feeling slightly guilty about being mean. 'Sorry, I meant that I'd been there and I get it and all this horrible pain disappears.' She said bashfully. Meredith replied sorry not knowing what else to say. After taking the morning after pill, Miranda offered to drive Meredith home. She accepted the offer. Meredith thanked Arizona for everything she'd done and left.


	4. Chapter 4

The car journey was very awkward. Meredith again didn't say a word. Miranda talked about the surgeries she'd performed in the past few days and Meredith listened. The scenery whooshing past the window was pretty and the car smelt like lavender. Meredith felt a bit safer. 'Can we go to the house Derek built? I can't be like this in front of the kids.' Meredith asked. 'Meredith, you need to be with people. I rang Amelia, she's waiting for you in the kitchen' Miranda protested. Meredith nodded.

A few minutes later, Miranda pulled up outside the house. Just before Meredith left the car, Miranda grabbed Meredith's arm. 'I am so sorry Meredith. I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I just want you to know that you can call me. Anytime. For anything. Whatever you do don't go all in on yourself. I know you Meredith Grey. Speak to Amelia or Maggie. Speak to the Samaritans. Speak to someone. Take time off. Spend time with those beautiful children but whatever you do Meredith. Don't you give up on yourself. You are a fantastic surgeon and you'll get through this okay?' Bailey soothed. 'Thank you, Dr Bailey.' Meredith replied coldly.

Meredith opened the front door and ran straight up the stairs to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She undressed and put the shower on the hottest setting. She sat down in the bath and cried. She cried until she couldn't cry anymore. She scrubbed her skin until it bled, until the pain became unbearable. Meredith grabbed a towel and rushed to her bedroom. She pulled on a pair of her oversized pyjamas and went back to the bathroom to lay on the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been three days. Three days of Meredith lying on that floor. Three days of blank stares and three days of complete silence. Arizona had been over with soup and drawings from Sophia. It was kind of her but it didn't bring Meredith out of her depressive episode. Bailey had also been over and laid on the floor with Meredith for hours. Although Bailey didn't say anything, Meredith felt comforted by her presence. Bailey left to go to work and Maggie took over.

Maggie felt helpless. She'd never seen her sister like this before. Silence isn't something she was used to. 'Meredith get up.' Maggie says firmly. Meredith didn't move a muscle. Nor did she make a sound. 'I don't understand Mer. Please just do something or say something. Please.' She said. Again, nothing happened. 'Well I am going to have to speak to you and you know what I'm like. I just go on and on until somebody stops me. It's a whole 13 hours before anyone gets back from the hospital.' Maggie yapped.

Meredith used all her strength to sit up. 'Maggie, I am going through something here. I don't need to talk or have a sister thing right now. I am scared, I feel like I'm going to break down any minute and I can't have you talking constantly. I need you to go downstairs and make me coffee because I really want coffee. I also need you to text Cristina and ask her to come. Because I need her. I need my person and she's not here so please be helpful and text Cristina.' Meredith sobbed. Maggie rushed out of the door and Meredith sighed in relief.

She locked the bathroom door and opened the bathroom cabinet. She picked up a razor. Meredith looked at it for a while. She pressed the razor against her wrist lightly. Maggie knocked on the door and Meredith dug the blade into her flesh. She'd cut deeper than she wanted to. She looked at the wound and the blood. Meredith took a deep breath. She needed to explain to Maggie but she couldn't afford to scare her.

'Maggie I need you to listen to me. You cannot interrupt me and you cannot panic. I need you to do exactly what I say with no questions. That okay?' Meredith said firmly. 'Okay' Maggie says slowly. 'I need you to go into my bedroom there is a suture kit under my bed. You need to stitch my arm because it's bleeding and painful. Then I need you never to tell anybody about this. Can you do this for me please?' Meredith ordered. 'Okay.' Maggie said quietly. Seconds later Maggie came back and the bathroom door was open.

There was blood covering the floor and Meredith looked white as a sheet. She winced as Maggie touched her. 'I'm not going to hurt you. You know that, don't you?' Maggie said in a soft voice. 'You never know what people are capable of.' Was Meredith's reply. 'I'm your sister and this is a safe place. This is our mother's house. You've had good times, here right?' Maggie tailed off, remembering just what she'd said. 'Do I ask why you cut your wrist Mer?' Maggie asked sympathetically. 'On this occasion, yes you ask but never ask again. I got scared. I had a flashback and I needed to bring myself back to reality.' Meredith said under her breath. Maggie nodded and stitched her sisters arm.

'Did you ring Cristina?' Meredith asked. 'She's getting the next flight. She said that I needed to stay with you and not freak out.' Maggie replied.

The atmosphere was awkward. Meredith cleaned the blood from the floor. She looked up at Maggie with a stern look on her face. 'Maggie, I need you to promise me something.' She said. Maggie nodded as she sat herself against the bathroom door. 'Please don't tell Amelia or Miranda about this. I can't have people knowing I didn't fight.' Meredith said as tears rolled down her face. Maggie nodded again and hugged her sister tighter than she had ever before. 'I love you Mer' She cried. 'It's going to be alright, isn't it?' Meredith asked crying her eyes out. 'I don't know, but I do know that everyone loves you and we will protect you. You are strong Meredith Grey and I'm glad I found you. I'm really glad.' Maggie replied sobbing.


	6. Chapter 6

A few hours later, Meredith and Maggie went to pick up the kids. Zola was extra clingy. Bailey was attempting to read a book, which was upside down and little Ellis was sleeping. Meredith looked at her children and she smiled. She was lucky. She had beautiful family, a beautiful house and her children. They are the most amazing things she and Derek had created. After tucking the girls and Bailey into bed, Meredith returned to her own room and sighed. Just as Meredith pulled on her oversized jumper, the doorbell rang.

Meredith rushed down the stairs and saw Cristina through the window. Meredith opened the door and Cristina dropped her stuff. Her frail little arms wrapped around Meredith. Meredith broke down. 'Okay let's take this soppy mess into the house so the neighbours don't think you're being murdered.' Cristina joked. Meredith wiped her eyes and did as she was told. It was nice having Cristina here but it did feel strange. Cristina pulled the throw from the sofa and put in on the floor, next to the fire.

Like they had hundreds of times before, Meredith and Cristina laid on the floor next to the fire. It was a nice sight for an uninformed spectator. Meredith was in a lot of pain. 'So why did I fly half way around the world? Not that I don't like seeing you because I do but what was so urgent that I had to come back to Seattle?' Cristina asked. Meredith started to cry. 'Well, something happened at the hospital when I was on nightshift…' Meredith started to explain but started to feel sick. 'Hey calm down Mer. So, something happened on night shift but today is another day. We move on, people like us do that.' Cristina said flippantly. 'You don't understand Cristina. I lost something that night and I will never get it back. Nobody can fix me now. I feel lost.' Meredith said panicking.

Cristina took Meredith by the hands and told her to breathe. It is always harder to breathe when somebody is telling you to do it. 'It's okay, you don't have to say anything else.' Cristina said reflecting on the situation she found her best friend in. The women went upstairs to Meredith's room and cuddled until Meredith fell asleep. Cristina couldn't think about the horrors Meredith had faced in her life but didn't she deserve a break?


	7. Chapter 7

Meredith was in trying to get some sleep in the on-call room. The door opened but she didn't open her eyes, why would she? Whoever entered the room locked the door behind them. 'Can you unlock the door please? I'm on call in the pit.' Meredith said quietly. The next thing Meredith knew was the pressure of somebody lying on top of her. She tried to scream but no sound came out. She kept her eyes tight shut. He pulled the covers from the bed and threw them on the floor. Meredith curled into the foetal position, he didn't care. He pulled her scrub bottoms off, along with her panties. He slipped his hand up her scrub top and squeezed her. Meredith just cried, she'd never felt this violated before. She froze, she didn't move. He pulled his own scrubs down and forced himself inside her. It hurt. It felt like he had ripped her insides out. She felt a warm sticky substance between her legs and he started to laugh. He had just raped Meredith Grey and he laughed. He raped her again and again. She didn't move or react. He pulled a knife out of his pocket and pressed it against her face. He cut her above against her right eye and told her she had five minutes to run and hide. Five minutes and he'd rape her and kill her. So, she ran. She ran into the vent room and locked the door.

Meredith woke up screaming.

Meredith got up and hid in the wardrobe. She shut the door and fell back to sleep. Cristina watched this odd behaviour but didn't question it. If she felt safe who was she to disrupt that? Cristina too fell back to sleep and was woken several hours later by Zola.'Aunty Cristina. Aunty Cristina. I know all of the steps for an appendectomy.' Zola boasted excitedly. 'That's great Zozo. You can tell me all about it later. Take your brother down stairs whilst I get dressed.' Cristina replied with a tired smile. Cristina wad tired. She'd been awake all night. Meredith ' s screaming episode happened 3 or 4 more times before the morning came. Whatever had happened to her had traumatised her.

Cristina went over to the wardrobe and knocked. Meredith opened the door. 'How did I get in here?' Meredith asked with a sleepy and Confused look on her face. 'You had a nightmare and hid in there. Are you alright?' Cristina enlightened her. 'Yeah, yeah I'm just having trouble sleeping.' She replied. Cristina was sceptical but didn't say anything. 'Zola just came in here to tell me she knows all the steps to an appy.' Cristina joked. Meredith laughed. Zola did know.


	8. Chapter 8

The two friends wondered down the stairs and Cristina made breakfast. Once the school run was out of the way, Meredith asked if Cristina would take her to Seattle Press for a work up. 'Why can't you go to Grey Sloan?' She asked. 'Because all of our friends are at work and I'd rather not have them gossiping about me. I'm sure people have started to wonder where I am.' Meredith snapped. 'Fine, fine but where in the hospital do we need to go?' Cristina muttered. 'Gynecology.' Meredith replied very embarrassed. Cristina knew better than to ask questions, so after a cup of coffee they make the 30 mile journey to Seattle Press.

The building felt cold and unfamiliar. It was a lot smaller than Grey Sloan hospital. The Gynecology wing wasn't difficult to find. Nevertheless, Meredith grabbed her friends hand as if her life depended on it. Meredith spoke to the women at the desk and took a seat next to Cristina. There was an awkward silence in the waiting room but Meredith didn't care.

'Meredith Grey.' A pretty young doctor said. Meredith asked Cristina to come in with her and she did. 'Hello Meredith, what can I do for you today?' The doctor said happily. 'Well. I don't know how to say this so I'll come straight out with it. I was raped on 29th and although there was STI testing done as part of the rape kit; I was wondering if you could repeat it. I know that some diseases take upto 2 weeks to show up on tests.' She said as a matter of factly.

Cristina didn't move or look at Meredith. She was too upset. It all fit into place now. The cut above her eye, the bruises, the nightmares. Everything made sense. All Cristina could say was 'check for Hep b and c' but nothing else. No wonder Meredith was broken again. Whilst Meredith had her exam, Cristina went outside so she could cry a little. She heard the doctor say she would ring Meredith with the results and they both got in the car.


End file.
